I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
