The maid of honor just puked.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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