If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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