I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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