Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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