i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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