Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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