I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
