The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
