i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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