So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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