If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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