nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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