I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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