Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i drank out of a bidet.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
