I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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