Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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