I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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