I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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