1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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