i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
