you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
