k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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