fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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