I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
