ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ladies don't puke and tell