I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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