it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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