oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
