I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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