i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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