It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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