I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
