it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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