And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
