How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Blood and glitter go together right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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