I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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