We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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