I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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