Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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