Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
