remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have aggressive nipples.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
