My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
