My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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