They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
