During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
