I'm sorry my penis didn't work
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
