I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
