I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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