Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
