don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
