seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
