its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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