I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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