Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
