My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
